The Poison Pen Letter (or Justice At Last, or The Art of Getting Free Stuff)

Aunt Joyce used to write what my mother called “poison pen letters”. I guess if I weren’t a kid at the time, or if her causes were relevant to me, I could tell you what injustices her letters were about. Maybe there was a missive to the town about the “mosquito trucks” that drove through the neighborhoods adjacent to the offending Cicero swamp, spraying a noxious fog and launching everyone into a panic, slamming windows to keep out the awful sulfury odor. Maybe her campaigns included a letter to the editor regarding the rising tax on cigarettes. Or maybe there was a simple letter of complaint to a contractor. But I can’t tell you.
I can tell you this: I was secretly awed by her activism. In my eyes, Aunt Joyce was practically a bra burner. I wished I could be like her and give those I perceived as wrongdoers a piece of my mind. Years later, I would have the chance. 
Fast forward to my “employment sabbatical”. Poison Pen Letters were definitely on my to-do list. All the merchants from whom I purchased shoddy products were finally going to hear from me! And there were several, from the retailer that sold me a desk that collapsed after just 20 months, to the corporation responsible for the strings of short-lived Christmas lights to which I've added each year until I had what looked liked the largest ball of wire east of the Ozarks.
My poison pen campaign would be easy. Once I got the letter set up, all I had to do was fill in the blanks and start firing away. 
I provide my template here, for your use.

TO: Retailer

Address

City/State

Dear Sir or Madam:
I am a loyal customer of (insert name of merchant – for the sake of illustration, we’ll use Bob’s Best Service & Merchandise) and have enjoyed a long relationship with your company. It is always a pleasure (start on a positive note) to come into the store every week (definitely pad this statistic to make it sound like you’re there all the time and critical to their bottom line) and to be assisted by (insert employee name – if you aren’t yet at the age where you get chatty with the help, use “Kyle” – there’s always a Kyle). Over all, I am satisfied with the service I receive from your establishment and heartily recommend Bob’s to my friends (just once, use a big word where a simple one will do, such as “establishment” for “garage”, and one big word that is totally unneeded, as with "heartily"). I can always depend on Bob’s for (the clincher: insert gratuitous compliment, e.g. courteous service, always having products in stock, Kyle's exemplary cell phone etiquette). 

In fact, I almost hesitate to write. (Ah, but you have.)

Now that you’ve let Bob's Best know you come as a friend, you can launch into your beef. Lead in with a statement that assumes your complaint is an exception to Bob’s high standards and, naturally, they would want to know about it. (In actuality, Chet in marketing opens these letters. We’re pretending Chet cares, but Chet is thinking about where to order lunch.) 
Use humor and aplomb. You may use hyperbole, but once is probably enough. Example: “I’m sure your employee had all the best intentions of putting my oil filter back on.” One sarcastic remark might make Chet chuckle. String the sarcasms throughout the letter and Chet thinks you’re a jerk and uses your letter as a placemat for his gyro.
In your closing, apologize that this unfortunate incident ever happened. Then – and this is the most important part - state the solution you believe would be fair. This is, after all, why you’re writing the letter. It’s not the injustice – heck, in customer service, injustice is the name of the game. You’d like to get a gift card but let’s face it, you’ll be happy if Chet sends you a free pen.

Note: My campaign yielded two responses and a cheesecake pan.                      copyright © 2012